Breast vs. Bottle: why the decision isn't always that easy

One of the biggest questions women get asked when they are pregnant for the first time (or even second or third) is, will you breastfeed? It is a question that many moms can proudly answer with a "yes" and watch their response light up the faces of everyone around them with great approval. However, for some women, breastfeeding is not only something they are unsure of, but something they actually fear. Scientifically speaking, breastfeeding is almost always the best thing for a baby when it comes to nutrition. Years of studies upon studies have proven this point. There are many great advantages to breast feeding, including the cost (its free if you don't count the cost of a good electric pump, breast pads, accessible clothing, additional diapers for a baby that poops more often on breast milk and breast butter for sore nipples) the added protection given to your baby against disease through a mother's antibodies, and the perfect combination of fats, vitamins, etc. that are naturally found in breast milk. However, what many people don't discuss when they encourage a new mother to breastfeed is the negatives that come along with it. For many moms, breastfeeding can be painful, depressing, exhausting, time consuming and awkward. And for some babies, breastfeeding can actually be harmful.

How is this possible? Well, as a new mother, I too believed that I had to breastfeed my child if I were to give her the best start in life. I had read all the books on how to do it correctly, and truly felt like those women out there that chose to bottlefeed must just be downright selfish. Then, I became a mom myself. From the day my daughter was born, she was a mess. She came out of the womb screaming and didn't quiet down for the first 24 hrs except when she was sleeping. I tried to breastfeed her, to comfort her, to do what I had seen in all the books...but she just looked at my breast and screamed like I was coming at her with some deadly weapon. After a day of struggling to get my daughter to even consider accepting my breast...and even with the help of doctors and the La Leche league, I was still no closer to being that "good mom" that had a sweet baby suckling away in peace. Instead, I held a tiny little screaming red-faced infant in my arms and felt completely helpless as to how I might help her. I asked the doctors upon a few occasions if I needed to feed her with a bottle, as I imagined she was probably starving without my milk. I was reassured that babies came out without the need for food and that she would be fine until my milk came in. They told me to just keep trying and that eventually she would get it. But the problem wasn't that she wasn't breastfeeding correctly...the problem was she wasn't interested in my breast at all! So, after some prodding my doctors agreed to allow me to try to feed my daughter with a bottle. She drank a whopping 3 oz bottle without barely stopping for air. My new motherly instincts were right...my baby was starving and here I had allowed her to do so for almost two days. Feeling guilty for not being able to get my daughter to breastfeed, I decided to pump and feed my daughter that way instead. For six weeks my life was a living hell...I would feed my daughter milk I had just pumped and placed in a bottle, put her down so I could pump for the next feeding with a manual pump (because that is all I could afford) for 45 minutes in order to get enough milk to feed her, and then start the process over again twenty minutes later. I was not only exhausted, but I was depressed. Because I was breastfeeding I couldn't eat or drink anything that might help give me energy to get through my days. I barely got to spend time with my baby because it seemed like all I did was feed her and prepare more food. My breasts were sore and bleeding and I barely had enough energy to deal with my daughter's colic with a clear head. After six weeks, I admitted defeat. After switching to formula, my daughter continued to be colicky, but suddenly I felt like a new person. My mind was a bit clearer, and my body no longer felt completely drained. I could enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning, feed my daughter and then actually give her attention because formula only took about three minutes to prepare as opposed to 45. Still, I felt like a bad mom, because when people saw me feeding my daughter formula, they would feel the need to comment, and most of the time the comments weren't nice..."I thought you were breastfeeding her? Don't you think she'd be less colicky if you fed her breastmilk? Isn't formula expensive for someone on such a tight budget?" So, I thanked God when she hit ten months and my pediatrition told me she could transfer to regular milk. Finally, I could be a good mom again.

Then, about a month after my daughter switched to milk, I became pregnant with my son. Once again, I started getting the dreaded question, "will you breastfeed him?" Of course, I again decided that I had to try to breastfeed because I thought, maybe this time would be different. I was right. My son came out of the womb an expert feeder. Infact, he was so in love with breastfeeding that he was perfectly content to remain attached to me 24 hours a day if I would allow it. I began to wonder if he was ever actually eating or just using me for a pacifier...but for the first two weeks I felt like supermom! Then, it happened. I was standing in my kitchen one day, preparing dinner for my daughter and before I knew it I was waking up on the floor. I had completely passed out without warning. I could barely pull myself up from the floor, but I used all the strength I had to reach the phone and call my mom. She rushed over and I called my doctor. After explaining that I had some clogged ducts but otherwise had no idea what was going on, my doctor decided to try me on some antibiotics. I spent the next 24 hours in bed with a 104 degree fever hoping the drugs would cure me. No such luck. After a second call to the doctor I was advised to go to the emergency room. Immediately. It turned out I had a very advanced case of Mastisis, or a breast infection. Apparently this is a very common occurence in breast-feeding women, usually happening within the first three months of giving birth. Many times, it can be cured with over the counter medication...but my case was pretty severe. I spent the next week in the hospital on IV antibiotics and painkillers. I was told my infection had spread throughout my body and that they were having a very hard time getting my white blood cell count up high enough to send me home. I was so upset...I was missing out on my baby's first days of life. I also had no choice but to pump and dump (aka, throw out all my breast milk) because my baby could not drink my drugged milk. In the meantime, he flourished at home on formula. By the time I left the hospital, despite my efforts, my milk supply had all but dried up. Once again, I had failed.

Three years later, to my surprise, I found myself pregnant with my third child. For nine months I went back and forth on whether or not to even try breastfeeding. I was terrified. Still, because I felt it was "the right thing to do", I gave it one last shot. My son did great those first few days...I on the other hand did not. I was exhausted with two small children and I simply hated having to feed my baby. I felt like such a selfish mom because all I could think about day in and day out was how much I wanted to quit. Meanwhile, my son was doing a great job of feeding but was very jaundiced and was quickly losing weight. I was told this was common in some breastfed babies, and not to be too concerned. However, when I brought him back to the hospital for his first visit, only three days after we left, he had dropped from a healthy 8 lbs at birth to a measly 6. His jaundice was not getting better and I was worried. The doctors suggested I try supplementing with formula. Apparently it helps babies gain weight faster AND happens to help clear jaundice as well. I was shocked. You mean formula was actually BETTER than my breastmilk for my baby??? I started doing what I was told and my son took to the bottle like it was liquid gold. He would still breastfeed but seemed to prefer the taste of formula and by day seven I decided to just give in. After all, if it was helping him, I shouldn't feel too bad about quitting. There was still a twinge of guilt when I finally drank that first beer instead of milk or water because I could, but it was overshadowed by my relief. I was back. I could enjoy my baby and I was helping him by doing so! I was done breastfeeding...FOREVER!

So, in the end, I am that mom. I am the mom whose children were not breastfed. They drank from plastic bottles and had milk from cows. And guess what? They survived. Infact, my kids are some of the healthiest children I know. They rarely get sick and are some of the smartest kids in their classes at school. Unlike the studies warn, my children are not obese, they are not weak and two of the three have never had a single ear infection. So, go ahead and ask...would I breastfeed if I were to have a fourth? Honestly? Maybe. I don't know. I know the statistics. I know that it is what we are told we should do. And maybe I would feel pressured again to try. But, if I didn't, I don't think I would feel a bit ashamed. Because sometimes whats best for some isn't always whats right for others. And if you have chosen to go the Enfamil route instead of the way of the breast, I salute you.